Friday, December 17, 2010

My Adventures in Babysitting, Part 1

Believe it or not, there was a point in my life when I loved kids. I even spent a few summers working at my temple's summer camp with four and five year olds. However, there was a turning point in my feeling towards other people's kids and that was when I started to babysit. I have to say, my first two babysitting gigs were great! Both sets of kids were easy to handle and we would spend most of the evening playing video games (specifically Super Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo) or doing arts and crafts (I used to be an artist). But like all things in life, those good ole days had to come to an end.

Enter devil family #1: we will call them The Russians, because the mother was a Russian Jew. I actually only had this gig for half a summer. My friend went to sleep away camp for the first session of the summer and had asked me to fill in babysitting this family for her until she returned from camp, at which point I would leave for second session to go to my summer camp. All she told me was that they pay really well (and they did) and that there is an older girl and a younger boy, both of which were too old for diapers. Sold! Little did I know that I was about to sell my soul to the devil for four weeks, and the devil was half Russian.
At first, all was well in the house. In fact, the first few times I babysat were really easy. Then I brought over Candy Land - this was my downfall. I'm not one to let a kid win. My dad never let me win and I turned out to be very competitive, which I don't think is a bad thing. I also learned that you had to be a good loser, which I think I am, at least most of the time. However, devil boy refused to lose. His sister actually won the first game, which was fine with him as he wanted a rematch. Fine. I won the second game. This time, the devil horns came out. He took the board and threw it across the room like The Incredible Hulk. Pieces went flying everywhere and his evil laugh was growing louder and louder. I tried to make him clean it up, but he just kept screaming and laughing and saying profanity (yes, he was a three year old with the mouth of a truck driver).
The next part of the night was bath time. I don't know why a three year old needs supervision in the bathtub, but he insisted that I sit in there with him. Fine. I filled up the tub and walked away to go get his pajamas, only to return to watch him stand over the tub and proceed to pee inside of it, and then jump into the urine water. I believe I gagged at this point before screaming at him to get out so I could refill the tub with clean water as bath time was a time to get clean, and not with your own urine. There was more screaming with more bad words followed by him telling me that he only baths in his own piss. Must be a Russian thing...

After bath time, the kids wanted me to put in a video. I was definitely OK with this as I was ready to do anything to keep them quiet. They wanted to watch the video in their parent's room, which was pretty much off limits to me. When I suggested we watch it together in the living room on the couch, the screaming and whining started up again. My white flag of defeat came out and I agreed to let them watch a movie in their parent's room.
I walked into the room and the first thing I saw was a used condom on the floor. This totally freaked me out and I didn't want the kids to see it, so I grabbed way too many paper towels, picked up the condom (I still cringe to this day) and threw it in the garbage. Crisis averted, for now. The little girl wanted to watch a Winnie the Pooh video, which she brought into the bedroom with her. It was a VHS, since DVDs weren't invented yet. I put the video into the VCR and hit play. About ten seconds into the video I heard the little boy say, "That's not Pooh!" and then point to the TV. And boy was it not any type of Disney character, but rather a home video of mom and dad having sex. I kid you not, this all really happened! After I came out of a state of shock, I picked my chin off the ground and immediately ran over to the VCR, hit stop and ejected the video that was labeled "Winnie the Pooh." The rest of the night was fuzzy, but I know that I got paid a pretty penny for the few hours I was there and told them that I could no longer babysit for them. I should have stopped after this gig, but I didn't, and it on;y got worse. But you'll have to wait for Part 2 to hear about the ultimate devil child.

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