Monday, January 31, 2011

We Can All Learn From The Cast Of The Jersey Shore

You may think I am crazy on this one, but hear me out. I am a fan of the show Jersey Shore, as I do love me some mindless TV. Watching train wrecks, like the cast of this pop culture hit show, makes me appreciate how great my life is. While the characters are all portrayed as being sex-crazed party animals, I do think that we can learn some valuable lessons from them.

After two and a half seasons of watching the show, the Jersey Shore cast have actually taught me quite a bit. Here are the lessons I have learned by watching these self-proclaimed Guidos and Guidettes.

Lesson 1
: Don't Settle

While the men in the house make it their mission to bring home a new girl every night, they definitely do not settle on just any girl. They will only smush good looking girls, and will do their best to dodge what they call grenades (ugly girls). The guys will absolutely not hookup with just anyone, which means that they have standards and stick to them.
Conclusion: Don't settle in life. You will have to dodge a number of grenades before you can get to the end of the battlefield.

Lesson 2: Teamwork is Key

When the guys go out as MVP (Mike - otherwise known as The Situation, Vinnie and Paulie), they work together to pick up the hottest girls at the club. Sometimes that entails one of the guys talking to a grenade so the other can talk to her hot friend. The wingman might even have to go as far as pretending to be interested in the grenade so that the man on the prowl can get the DTF hot girl home and in his bed.
Conclusion: If you try to do everything on your own, you won't accomplish anything in life.

Lesson 3: Listen to your Girls, Not Your Libido
At the beginning of Season 2, Ronnie and Sammi got to Miami as a broken up couple. During this time, Ronnie started to realize that he was missing the companionship of Sammi. However, he would sweet talk her one minute, and then run off to the club and makeout with random girls. During all of this disrespectful behavior by Ronnie, Sammi's girlfriends were there for her. While they didn't pull her aside and tell her what happened (because they promised Ronnie they wouldn't get involved), they did give Sammi an anonymous note that said exactly what he did behind her back. Sammi decided to get mad at the letter and not at Ron, and therefore ended up being miserable without the friendship of another trusted female in the house.
Conclusion: You need friends of the opposite sex. Also, no guy is going to tell you the truth when his sex life is on the line.

Lesson 4: Forgive and Move On
Sammi and Ron are still dating in season 3. However, Sammi is not enjoying her summer at Seaside Heights as much as she did the year before when everyone in the house got along. Because Sammi chose an untrusting relationship over her truthful girl friends, she realized that she was more or less alone in the house. She eventually sucked up her pride and apologized to Snooki for getting mad at her for being a good friend and telling her the truth about her douchey boyfriend. Snooki could have been a jerk about it and screamed at Sammi and told her that it was too little, too late. However, Snooki didn't act like a caddy girl and instead accepted Sammi's apology, put the past behind them and moved forward with their friendship.
Conclusion: Life is all about second chances and accepting apologies.
Sammi and Snooki's make up hug
Lesson 5: When in Doubt, Fist Pump
I've been told that when I am angry or stressed, that a great way to relieve the pain and anxiety is to punch my pillow. However, I think that the cast of the Jersey Shore has it right - a little fist pumping can go a long way!
Conclusion: When everyone is looking like a fool together, it brings the group that much closer.
The Fist Pump

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Saved by the Bell: The Inconsistent Years - The Characters

I know that Saved by the Bell is not an award-winning show by any means. However, you would think that the writers would have been able to explain certain characters appearing and disappearing better than they did. Let's start from the beginning...

The show was originally called Good Morning Miss Bliss and aired on The Disney Channel, not NBC. These were the episodes that took place in junior high. During that one season, the students attended John F. Kennedy Junior High School in Indianapolis, Indiana. Miss Bliss was a junior high history teacher, and she worked under Mr. Belding, who was the principal. The students that were featured on the show were Zack, Lisa, Screech, Nikki and Mikey. While this show focused on the teacher, Miss Bliss, and her relationship with the students, Saved by the Bell focused on the students relationships with one another.
Love the outfits!
Fast forward to high school. The Saved by the Bell cast we all know and love attended the fictional Bayside High School in Palisades in Los Angeles, California. This brings up my first question - how did Mr. Belding, Zack, Screech and Lisa all transport together from Indianapolis to California? And when did Mr. Belding get promoted from a junior high to high school principal? What happened to Nikki and Mikey? I need answers people!

On the first day of high school, Zack talks about how he has been waiting since junior high for Kelly Kapowski to be single. Does this mean that Kelly attended JFK Junior High, too? And what about Zack and Jessie being neighbors and climbing into each other's windows since they were little? Weren't they Mr. and Mrs. Skunk in an elementary school play? Was there a mass migration from Indiana to California in the late 80's that no one knew about? So many questions unanswered...

It's a long distance between Indiana and Califronia. Just sayin...
During the later years at Bayside, Screech had his first relationship with Violet Anne Bickerstaff, who was played by Tori Spelling. Her character appeared out of the blue one day, and after their geeky love was just in it's prime, we never saw or heard of Violet again. Screech went back to being in love with Lisa and all was normal at Bayside once again. So what happened to Violet other than the obvious change of name and social status to Donna Martin? At least she was still a rich kid living in the same city on 90210.
Missing Person: Last seen while performing as a soloist in the Glee Club
One of my biggest questions is what ever happened to Max? You know, the guy who owned The Max (the burger joint where the kids hung out after and during school) and was also a waiter slash magician. The kids of Bayside and Mr. Belding dedicated so much of their time and money to Save The Max by the powers of radio, and yet Max was later replaced with a character named James, who was a waiter slash actor. James was then replaced by Jeff, who stole Kelly from Zack and then cheated on her with a girl named Christie while they were caught dancing the night away together at The Attic (an 18 and up club that the kids snuck into with their fake IDs created by Screech). Why was there so much turnaround at The Max? And why was it still called The Max even after Max no longer worked there? Did Max make it big as a Las Vegas magician? Did James make it on the big screen as an actor? Did Jeff ever graduate from UCLA?
Apparently this guy is BFF with Neil Patrick Harris in real life
Fast forward to the last year for the kids of Bayside High. Senior year starts off with a new character, Tori Scott, who seems to have replaced Kelly and Jessie in the group. Tori's character remains a prominent part of the crew for a whole 10 episodes. However, the kid's senior year ends with Jessie and Kelly at graduation and no sign of Tori. How in the world did the writers expect us to believe that Kelly and Jessie mysteriously disappeared from school when this new chick shows up, and then they reappear when Tori is no longer around. So is Tori a high school drop out? And where were Jessie and Kelly during those 10 episodes? A boarding school test run maybe? It makes no sense!
Deceiving since Tori never met Kelly and Jessie
After the crew said goodbye to Bayside and Mr. Belding, they all went off to college. While I thought that Slater was attending Iowa on a wrestling scholarship and Zack had committed to Yale, the boys all somehow ended up at California University, located in the Bay area. During the first episode we were introduced to the boy's suite mates - Lesley, Alex and Danielle. The next episode, Danielle mysteriously disappears, which opens up a bed in the girl's room for Kelly to take residence in. Now this is the one good job that the writers actually did - they explained that Danielle transferred to another school, which allowed for Kelly to transfer to Cal U and have a place in the very same suite as Zack, Screech and Slater.

Bravo writers! You seemed to have finally done something right in the very last season that we got to follow the lives of Zach, Kelly, Slater, Screech and even Lisa and Jessie who made an appearance in  Zack and Kelly's wedding made-for-TV movie. At least you ended on a high note.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hi, My Name Is...

My name is Ilene. That is I-L-E-N-E. Not Irene, Eileen, Elaine, Ileen, Illene, Ilean, Alien (this was big with the Aussies), Llene, etc. For the past week or so, my coworkers at the animal shelter that I volunteer at have been calling me Irene as a joke. I have to admit, it's funny because I am calling the offenders different names, too. However, I absolutely HATE when someone calls me by the wrong name.
The worst is at work. If I am emailing you from my work email address, which is my first name dot my last name at my company dot com, then there is absolutely no reason for you to misspell my name in your reply email. If I am calling you and reading you off the spelling of my name, don't read it back spelled wrong because you think that every Ilene in the world should spell it with an "E". I once had a guy argue with me on the spelling of my name. When I finally told him that my parents named me and I did not choose my name, he told me that it was stupid of them. I told him that 'Ilene with an I' will not be doing business with him anymore and then proceeded to call him by the wrong name and hung up.

I do love when I get telemarketers calling me and asking to speak with Irene. I always tell them they have the wrong number. Suckers!
Around New Year's, a group of friends and I went to a Thai restaurant. The owner was this adorable old Asian woman who clearly wasn't fluent in English. She came over to talk to everyone at our table because she likes to get to know her customers by name (can you see where I am going with this?). So we went around the table and introduced ourselves - "Scott, Ryan, Alex, Ashley, Ilene." She had absolutely no problem with the L's in Ashley and Alex, yet she kept calling me Irene. I do understand that Asians (specifically Japanese) have a hard time pronouncing L's, but I just thought it was so strange that she could say the L in the other two names but not mine. It totally reminded me of the scene in A Christmas Story.

Is it too much for a not-so-common name like mine to be used in the right manner? I can take the jokes and the annoying 80's song that is frequently sang to me, but just get it right!

An to prove that I do have a good sense of humor, here is a list of jokes that I have heard time and time again that involve my name:
  • What do you call a witch with one leg? Eileen.
  • Knock, knock. Who's there? Eileen. Eileen who? Eileen on the door until you open it.
  • Is your last name Dover? (As in Ilene Dover/I leaned over)

Friday, January 21, 2011

What I Don't Care to Read on your Facebook Status

I recently decided to start hiding people on my Facebook News Feed whose statuses annoy me. Now I'm not talking about someone posting one thing one time that I didn't like, but rather the consistent offenders. In order to prevent your statuses from being hidden on my feed, here is a list of topics that I absolutely do not care to read about (and I'm sure the majority of normal America will agree with me on a few):

Your Pregnancy Progress
Hooray! You are having a baby! We are all happy for you (truly, I am). However, I do not need to know the exact millisecond until your due date. I do not need to see a photo of you every week to show me how much bigger your baby bump has gotten (cute in theory, but annoying in reality). Pictures of the nursery are fine, as most people can appreciate a newly decorated room. However, photos of every single outfit that you have purchased for your unborn child is not OK. Also, when you are going into labor, I absolutely DO NOT need to know how many centimeters your who-ha has dilated. TMI!!! Also, photos of the baby covered in birthing gooeyness with the umbilical cord still on is NOT Facebook appropriate. Just saying... Oh, and once the kid is born, I don't care to get an update on it every second of the day either.

Inappropriate Profile Pictures
If you have a profile picture that I do not want to look at, then you will be hidden from me forever (unless I want to look you up). Example (and this is my biggest pet-peeve) - changing your profile picture to a photo of your Ultrasound is not something that everyone cares to look at. This is a photo that should be shared once (if that) on your profile as an update. Another offender is the person who chooses a photo that doesn't have them in it. When I search for you, I want to ensure I have the right friend. So do not put up a photo if you aren't in it. This includes a photo of your kids, pets, favorite cartoon character (except for that Child Abuse week), car, etc. I will also hide you if you put up an inappropriate photo. Examples include anything that could be considered soft-core porn, an unflattering picture wearing inappropriate clothing (if you are large and in charge, then don't wear revealing clothing), or a photo of you making out with your significant other (or some random person in a club). The only exception to kissing photos is engagement photos, as these are professional and totally OK in my book.
This photo may result in defriending

God and Jesus
It's totally cool to believe in God and Jesus and whatever else you worship. And it's even OK to let the Facebook world know about it every once in a while. But if you are someone who constantly posts quotes from God or how great Jesus is because he got you a raise at work, then I will be hiding you. Think of Facebook as grade school - we must separate church and state! Yes, I know Facebook is a way to express yourself, but that's what church and bible study is for. And no, this isn't because I am a Jew - I will hide you too if you continue to write statuses in Hebrew.

Just Plain Annoying
If you continuously tell me every little detail of every little thing that goes on in your day, well then you are probably already off my feed by now. I don't care that you ate a banana and ten seconds later you washed it down with some water. I don't care that your dog took a solid poop or that your kid learned to say a new word (unless it's profanity, cause that's really funny). I also hate the people who post their exercise schedules. That's great that you just ran 2.5 miles in 15 minutes flat, but the whole Facebook world doesn't need to know exactly what your workout consisted of.

I could go on and on and on with this topic, but these four offenses are the main reasons why I remove people from my viewing list. Feel free to comment on this post and give your reasons why you hide people. I'd love to hear them so I can find more bait to clean up my News Feed.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Icy Roads Bring Out Stupid Drivers

I've finally been able to leave my house now for the last two days. While this Floridian was terrified to drive on the icy road conditions, I ended up being more scared of all of the crazy drivers that the weather conditions brought out. The city of Atlanta is not well equipped to handle the extreme road conditions since a storm like we just had comes every 10 years, if that. However, to the drivers who think that going over the speed limit and driving like a maniac on a road that is already narrowed down to one drivable, ice-free lane is OK, you suck and I hope you hit black ice and spin out of control so you learn your lesson! Also, don't honk at me when I slow down to avoid the giant patch of ice in front of me. Screw you and your four-wheel drive car!

My commute home from work yesterday (Friday), what normally takes about 20 minutes took me an hour. I was completely fine with this as I kept telling myself, "Just get home safe and in one piece." However, what I didn't appreciate was constantly being cut off on the main road I took during my commute. Yes, it is Friday and yes, Atlanta traffic sucks every Friday during rush hour. However, that does not give you the right to take your nothing special Honda Accord and weave in and out of traffic from the salted lane to the lane that is covered in ice only so you could beat everyone to the next red light. I hope you tried to drive up a snow-covered hill and got stuck!

I also thought that once I moved out of Florida that I wouldn't have to deal with old peoplewho should have given up their privilege to drive years ago (these drivers are what South Floridians call 'Q-Tips' - a term used when driving behind an old lady who all you can see is the top white of her hair over the driver's seat). I understand you are old and dying, but that doesn't give you the right to use your hazards during any weather condition. We already know by the Oldsmobile you are driving that you are old and do everything at a slower pace, but you don't have to announce it to everyone else on the road with your annoying hazards.

Tonight, the fiance and I ran out to pick up some Thai food before the Falcons playoff game (Rise Up!). The place we went to used to be a fast food chain that has a drive-thru - so it's one way in and one way out. This stupid moron chick decided that she was going to try and drive out the way in. Well, being the stubborn people we are, we drove in and blocked her from moving anyway but backwards. She refused to budge and so I had to get out of the car and explain to this idiot who should never have been given a driver's license to begin with that it's one way and it's not her way. She then whined, "I'm not going to back up into the ice behind me!" So we had to back our car out onto a major road so the princess could maneuver around us and get her way. As we drove down ti the parking lot where she could have backed up, we realized just how dumb this chick was, as the only ice was pushed off to the side. I am officially crowning this chick the Douchebag of the Road award. You surely earned it!

I'm sure reading this post has made you as annoyed as I am when driving on the icy roads, so I am going to leave you with this amazing commercial that aired during the Falcons game, which I am currently watching. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Adventure to Moe's - A Stroll Through the Snow

After being stuck in the house for three days with no idea of then this cabin fever will officially break, the fiance and I decided to walk to Moe's to get some burritos. The shopping plaza that has Moe's, also consists of a Publix and a Kroger (Atlanta supermarkets) is a little less than a mile from our new house. After letting the dogs do their business out back and feeding them their dinner, we layered up, put on our boots, and began the trek to burrito bliss.

Must get this t-shirt!
We didn't even take three steps out our door before realizing that this was not just another stroll around the block. Our driveway is completely frozen over and it would have been much easier to start our adventure  to food with ice skates. I never wanted to own a shovel so bad in my life! 
I just need one!
  :::Break from writing to scream and make shreiking noises because our foster dog just caught a giant cockroach in her mouth and tried to bring it to me as a prize. Ryan to the rescue!:::

What you need to know about the cul-de-sac that we live on is that it is on a slight hill so walking down to the main road is at a fairly good incline, and walking up will give you a good butt workout. So we ventured down the hill while walking in the middle of the road since there were signs of pavement from our brave neighbors with four-wheel drive. Just as we were at the last house, I had my first (and only) spill.

I was very aprehensive to continue on, but the thought of a Joey Junior with chipotle ranch sauce and a Moe's chocolate chip cookie gave me the determination to push through the potential of falling on my face time and time again. We got there with both of us only slipping a few times. We ate in record speed since the sun was quickly setting and I did not want to walk back through the iced over pavement in the dark.

The walk back seemed easier then our trek to my delicious burrito. However, once we hit the bottom of the hill, we had some trouble. This time, Ryan took a pretty good spill - he looked like a baby deer trying to stand up and walk for the first time. After numerous attempts to stand back up, he finally tried sliding down our neighbor's driveway into the middle of the road where there were ice-free patches to safely walk on. He eventually caught his footing and balance and we made our way back up the hill in one piece, across the driveway of death (as I am now calling it), and into the front door, only to be greeted by three very excited dogs.

We are now back on the couch in front of the tv with the dogs curled up at our sides (well, Winnie is actually on top of me keeping my legs warm). I hope this iced over snow melts soon so I can get back to  being able to get out of my house in one piece.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Snowpocalypse in Atlanta?

You read the title right. Last year Snowpocalypse hit the Washington, D.C. area. This year the target was a true surprise - Atlanta. Atlanta typically gets a few small snow storms each winter. However, it's typically a flurry here and there with hardly anything sticking to the pavement. However, not this time.

We got word last Friday about a potential snowstorm heading our way. In true Atlanta style, the entire city started freaking out days in advance. French toast supplies (milk, eggs, and bread) were sold at record speed. By Saturday night, the local news stations were already interrupting prime time TV shows to report the threat of a potential storm. It was a mess before the first flake of snow even hit the ground.

However, unlike most potential snow storms in the past, this was the real deal. On Sunday evening, I started to see the Facebook status updates about snow falling all around the city. I had a blond moment and actually reported back to a friend, "It's snowing in Decatur already but not in Midtown?"  I actually would have noticed that an inch of snow was already covering our back deck if I had just turned on the porch light - OOPS! Needless to say, I admitted my error and immediately became glued to the view of our neighbor's giant house and over-the-top backyard (with pool, jacuzzi, and fountain).

Our neighbor's backyard of snow paradise
Monday morning, my fiance, three dogs (we have a foster dog during the snowstorm), and I woke up to a winter wonderland. We were officially sowed in. My first thought, of course, was 'what can I use for a sled?' After working for a few hours from home in the morning, I decided that we would take our normal lunch hour break and attempt to sled down the hill of our cul-de-sac on an inflatable pool raft. Our plan was immediately ruined once we took one step outside and realized that everything had already iced over. Also, a number of our neighbors actually ventured out in their cars, which meant that sledding down a road that was being used probably wasn't the safest idea. Instead, we went for a stroll down to the main road. (We walked dogless since ice and dogs trying to work doesn't really work too well.)

After our five minute walk, we came back and I decided to let Winnie (my crazy terrier) have a run (or rather hop) around the snow and ice covered driveway. While she loved the attention we were giving her, all she wanted to do was run back inside the warm house. We then put our foster dog, Vodka the Wheaten Terrier, on a leash and let her explore a bit. Again, this was short lived because she just wanted to go back inside where the gr0und wasn't covered in ice. Conclusion - no more walks with the dogs until the ice melts (thank goodness for the area of grass below the deck in the back of our new house).
Winnie in the show
Right now we are on 48 hours of what feels like house arrest, and I can tell you that I have cabin fever. I've never wanted to physically be at my work office so bad in the four and a half years of being a professional in the 'real world.' Even our bigger dog Cali is getting a bit stir crazy with my fiance and I being home all day and not giving her the alone time she seems to enjoy so much.

Foster dog, Vodka (left) and our dog, Cali (right) on the snow-covered balcony
What I thought would be a fun experience to a Floridian such as myself, has turned into an annoyance. I actually wanted to watch Oprah today instead of Ellen (trust me, when I at home sick, I always choose Ellen). However, when I turned on what was supposed to be Oprah was instead the local news reporting on the road conditions. I mean it's cool to give us the updates scrolling on the  bottom of the screen, but for Pete's sake, leave the popular TV shows alone and stop interrupting!
Being a new homeowner, this snowstorm has taught me a few things:
  1. Invest in a shovel and some salt and sand for the driveway
  2. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cereal can only be eaten for one meal a day before you get sick of it
  3. Purchase a key for the gas fireplace before you get snowed in
  4. Go sledding before the sow ices over
  5. Invest in a snow plow company since this city has none
I now leave you with a really awesome video that has been all over the news and Facebook of a guy ice skating on Peachtree Road in Midtown:
Peachtree St. Ice Rink in Midtown from A.Nendel on Vimeo.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My Adventures in Babysitting: Part 2

Back by popular demand is part 2 of my crazy babysitting adventures. But first, let me add onto part 1 as there is a key discovery that I forgot to include. After I got back from summer camp, my friend who I was substitute babysitting for told me that she discovered that the Russian mother was actually a porn star. Makes sense now why she labeled her homemade video "Winnie the Pooh."
Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post...

Fast forward a few years after the "Pooh incident" to when I was a junior in high school. My mom told me that her friend was looking for someone to babysit their two children - a girl and a boy (do you see a pattern here?). I was very hesitant and told my mom that I really didn't want to babysit ever again, but she pushed me to at least go meet the kids. I agreed to do this as a favor to my mom and her friend. So a few days later, I went over to their house and met with their two children. The daughter was an absolute gem. She was old enough (I believe she was 10) that I could hold a normal conversation with her in an adult voice and she would listen and respond. However, the son was a bit, errr, A.D.D. Now I get that 7-year-old boys are all pretty much crazy, but this kid was extremely hyper. However, the daughter was able to control him and he would in fact listen to her. I decided to give it a shot (this was my first mistake).

A few weeks later, the dad came to pick me up - I had a driver's license but he insisted on picking me up and dropping me off for whatever reason. The dad was VERY cool. He would talk music and movies with me during our five minute drive from my parent's house to theirs. He would even give me tips on cool things to do with the kids to keep them entertained. However, the mom seemed to be a bit tense and uptight, but of course I had to be nice since she was friends with my mom.

I got settled in the house and was shown where everything was. I was given money to order a pizza for me and the kids and was told to put in any movie that we wanted to watch. Easy enough! The parents left for a few hours and I was alone with the kids. The first few times I babysat for them were a breeze. The daughter and I would hang out while I put in a boyish movie for the son to enjoy. The only issue I had was bedtime. The son had to go to bed first since he was younger, but since I was trying to be the cool babysitter, I would let him stay up a bit later than his curfew as long as he didn't tell his parents, which he never did. However, when it was my time to put him to bed, he would throw a temper tantrum. Thankfully, the daughter would come to my rescue and somehow bribe him to get into his room and go to bed - she would read him a story or give him a dollar (hey, it was her money, not mine). I don't think I would have enjoyed this job as much if the daughter wasn't there, which I later found out was the absolute truth.

I was asked by the family to babysit their kids on New Year's Eve of 2000. Actually, that's how it should have gone down. Instead, the mom decided to go through my mother to ask her if I would babysit for them on New Year's Eve (so not cool). I had every intention of saying no because I wanted to go out with my friends and current boyfriend at the time and have a good time bringing in Y2K. Instead, I was forced into spending my night with a 10 and 7 year old, or so I thought...

The parents were going to dinner and a concert in Miami (about an hour away from their house) to bring in the new year. When the dad came to pick me up, he was dressed like a total roadie. I was picked up very early (around 2pm) and was told by the dad that they wouldn't be home until around 2am. When I got to the house,  I walked in to only find the son sitting at the table - no daughter. This should have been my first sign to run the two or so miles back to my parent's house and never look back. I was then told that the daughter was spending the night at a friend's house and it would only be me and their crazy A.D.D. son.
As soon as the parent's left, the kid decided that he wanted to watch Austin Powers. This was a big no in my book since there were a lot of sexual things in the movie that a 7 year old had no reason to be exposed to. When I told him no, he immediately started quoting the movie and telling me that him and his dad watch it all the time (great parenting!). So I gave in and watched the movie with him. He proceeded to say almost every line flawlessly. After the movie, he decided that he wanted to go jump on their trampoline. I told him I would come watch, so I stood outside and watched him jump up and down for literally an hour. While jumping, he decided to start a conversation with me. This is how the conversation went:

Son: How old are you?
Me: 17
Son: I'm 7.
Me: I know.
Son: You should let me stick my penis inside of you.
Me: Ummmm what????
Son: Yea, I can use my penis pump.
Me: Where did you learn that?
Son: Penis penis penis penis!!!!!
I immediately grabbed him by the arm and took him inside and threatened him with a bar of soap in his mouth if he didn't stop talking to me that way. After some awkward silence and glaring stares from both of us, I decided to order a pizza. After we ate dinner, I thought it would be good to get out of the house and take a walk to the local park that was in their neighborhood. Here is where things got bad...

While at the park, another babysitter showed up with a little girl who was a little bit younger than the son. I sat down with the other babysitter and started making small talk with her while the two kids played together. A few minutes later we heard a scream and looked over to see that the son was beating up the little girl for no apparent reason. He literally had her on the ground and was kicking her and calling her curse words. The other sitter and I immediately ran over, pulled the son off and evaluated the little girl, who at this point was hysterical with tears and covered in blood.
The other sitter rushed the girl home in her arms to get a better look at the damage that the son had done. I grabbed the son by the arm and literally dragged him home while he proceeded to curse me out. When I asked him why he wanted to hurt the girl, he responded with something along the lines of, "I am the man and I wanted to show her I was in charge." This kid truly made the Russians look like angels! 

After the park incident, I decided to lock him in his room the rest of the night. Of course he screamed and pounded on the door for at least an hour until he realized I wasn't going to let him out - not even to use the bathroom. I watched the ball drop and fell asleep on the couch until the parents came home around 4am (yeah, 2am my butt!). The mom paid me $5 an hour, which made me furious since it was a prime babysitting night and I had to deal with the spawn of Satan. The dad then drove me home drunk. Luckily, there was no one else on the road so his swerving and slurring of words weren't an issue to me since I got home in one piece.

The next morning, I told my mom everything that happened and explained that I would NEVER babysit for her friend or anyone else ever again. When the friend called my mom to ask if I could babysit (I still don't know why she had to ask my mom and not just ask me), my mom told her no. I don't think the conversation went over very well, but I honestly didn't care.

In conclusion, if any of you ever need a babysitter, do not be offended when I never offer to be a good friend and watch your kid for a few hours. It's not you, it's my past experiences, and I think they are two damn good reasons why - Russians and the 7 year old spawn of Satan.