Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My Adventures in Babysitting: Part 2

Back by popular demand is part 2 of my crazy babysitting adventures. But first, let me add onto part 1 as there is a key discovery that I forgot to include. After I got back from summer camp, my friend who I was substitute babysitting for told me that she discovered that the Russian mother was actually a porn star. Makes sense now why she labeled her homemade video "Winnie the Pooh."
Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post...

Fast forward a few years after the "Pooh incident" to when I was a junior in high school. My mom told me that her friend was looking for someone to babysit their two children - a girl and a boy (do you see a pattern here?). I was very hesitant and told my mom that I really didn't want to babysit ever again, but she pushed me to at least go meet the kids. I agreed to do this as a favor to my mom and her friend. So a few days later, I went over to their house and met with their two children. The daughter was an absolute gem. She was old enough (I believe she was 10) that I could hold a normal conversation with her in an adult voice and she would listen and respond. However, the son was a bit, errr, A.D.D. Now I get that 7-year-old boys are all pretty much crazy, but this kid was extremely hyper. However, the daughter was able to control him and he would in fact listen to her. I decided to give it a shot (this was my first mistake).

A few weeks later, the dad came to pick me up - I had a driver's license but he insisted on picking me up and dropping me off for whatever reason. The dad was VERY cool. He would talk music and movies with me during our five minute drive from my parent's house to theirs. He would even give me tips on cool things to do with the kids to keep them entertained. However, the mom seemed to be a bit tense and uptight, but of course I had to be nice since she was friends with my mom.

I got settled in the house and was shown where everything was. I was given money to order a pizza for me and the kids and was told to put in any movie that we wanted to watch. Easy enough! The parents left for a few hours and I was alone with the kids. The first few times I babysat for them were a breeze. The daughter and I would hang out while I put in a boyish movie for the son to enjoy. The only issue I had was bedtime. The son had to go to bed first since he was younger, but since I was trying to be the cool babysitter, I would let him stay up a bit later than his curfew as long as he didn't tell his parents, which he never did. However, when it was my time to put him to bed, he would throw a temper tantrum. Thankfully, the daughter would come to my rescue and somehow bribe him to get into his room and go to bed - she would read him a story or give him a dollar (hey, it was her money, not mine). I don't think I would have enjoyed this job as much if the daughter wasn't there, which I later found out was the absolute truth.

I was asked by the family to babysit their kids on New Year's Eve of 2000. Actually, that's how it should have gone down. Instead, the mom decided to go through my mother to ask her if I would babysit for them on New Year's Eve (so not cool). I had every intention of saying no because I wanted to go out with my friends and current boyfriend at the time and have a good time bringing in Y2K. Instead, I was forced into spending my night with a 10 and 7 year old, or so I thought...

The parents were going to dinner and a concert in Miami (about an hour away from their house) to bring in the new year. When the dad came to pick me up, he was dressed like a total roadie. I was picked up very early (around 2pm) and was told by the dad that they wouldn't be home until around 2am. When I got to the house,  I walked in to only find the son sitting at the table - no daughter. This should have been my first sign to run the two or so miles back to my parent's house and never look back. I was then told that the daughter was spending the night at a friend's house and it would only be me and their crazy A.D.D. son.
As soon as the parent's left, the kid decided that he wanted to watch Austin Powers. This was a big no in my book since there were a lot of sexual things in the movie that a 7 year old had no reason to be exposed to. When I told him no, he immediately started quoting the movie and telling me that him and his dad watch it all the time (great parenting!). So I gave in and watched the movie with him. He proceeded to say almost every line flawlessly. After the movie, he decided that he wanted to go jump on their trampoline. I told him I would come watch, so I stood outside and watched him jump up and down for literally an hour. While jumping, he decided to start a conversation with me. This is how the conversation went:

Son: How old are you?
Me: 17
Son: I'm 7.
Me: I know.
Son: You should let me stick my penis inside of you.
Me: Ummmm what????
Son: Yea, I can use my penis pump.
Me: Where did you learn that?
Son: Penis penis penis penis!!!!!
I immediately grabbed him by the arm and took him inside and threatened him with a bar of soap in his mouth if he didn't stop talking to me that way. After some awkward silence and glaring stares from both of us, I decided to order a pizza. After we ate dinner, I thought it would be good to get out of the house and take a walk to the local park that was in their neighborhood. Here is where things got bad...

While at the park, another babysitter showed up with a little girl who was a little bit younger than the son. I sat down with the other babysitter and started making small talk with her while the two kids played together. A few minutes later we heard a scream and looked over to see that the son was beating up the little girl for no apparent reason. He literally had her on the ground and was kicking her and calling her curse words. The other sitter and I immediately ran over, pulled the son off and evaluated the little girl, who at this point was hysterical with tears and covered in blood.
The other sitter rushed the girl home in her arms to get a better look at the damage that the son had done. I grabbed the son by the arm and literally dragged him home while he proceeded to curse me out. When I asked him why he wanted to hurt the girl, he responded with something along the lines of, "I am the man and I wanted to show her I was in charge." This kid truly made the Russians look like angels! 

After the park incident, I decided to lock him in his room the rest of the night. Of course he screamed and pounded on the door for at least an hour until he realized I wasn't going to let him out - not even to use the bathroom. I watched the ball drop and fell asleep on the couch until the parents came home around 4am (yeah, 2am my butt!). The mom paid me $5 an hour, which made me furious since it was a prime babysitting night and I had to deal with the spawn of Satan. The dad then drove me home drunk. Luckily, there was no one else on the road so his swerving and slurring of words weren't an issue to me since I got home in one piece.

The next morning, I told my mom everything that happened and explained that I would NEVER babysit for her friend or anyone else ever again. When the friend called my mom to ask if I could babysit (I still don't know why she had to ask my mom and not just ask me), my mom told her no. I don't think the conversation went over very well, but I honestly didn't care.

In conclusion, if any of you ever need a babysitter, do not be offended when I never offer to be a good friend and watch your kid for a few hours. It's not you, it's my past experiences, and I think they are two damn good reasons why - Russians and the 7 year old spawn of Satan.

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